Gronk’s Beer Can

The NFL was getting a bit tired about Rob Gronkowski’s crazy antics, both on and off the field. They contacted Tom Brady, Julian Edelman, and Danny Amendola, all current Patriots that season. Their ultimate plan involved the parade celebrating their Super Bowl victory. To do so, they of course needed to win. Tom was a well-known player, regardless of where one lived in the country, so it wasn’t too difficult to talk to all the teams they were playing, and let them on their long-term plan.

Surprisingly, they all acquiesced, and the Patriots did win that year. Phase Two of the plan could now get started. Tom contacted Bud Light, and negotiated a contract with them. He had one stipulation, and the product involved was perfected quickly. He made sure those cans of Bud Light were in the same vehicle Gronk was going to be in. Danny was in that same vehicle, and watched as Gronk drank. He eventually stood on top of the bus, shirtless. Danny was waiting for it to kick in. Those beers were laced with Viagra and an ejaculatory agent, so it came as no shock to Danny when Gronk came in front of tons of people, including some children.

The police quickly got involved, but they too were in on the plan. Gronk was to be taken straight to the courthouse, where a judge would see a video, recorded by Mark Wahlberg, and sentence Gronk to two years in prison. He tried to fight, but the evidence was quite clear-cut.

The final part of the plan involved the prison transport truck. Instead of taking Gronk to prison, it took him to an abandoned warehouse in the Berkshires. The driver told him this was a special celebrity prison, so regular inmates wouldn’t bother him. It wasn’t. Gronk was injected with a knockout agent as soon as he stepped inside.

When he came to, he was strapped to a chair, with a tube on his dick. A panoramic video was playing, of a spiral, with both audio and subliminal messages. By the end of the day, Gronk was fully gonked. The facility he was sent to was a black market sperm clinic. It specialized in celebrity clients. Gronk, however, would be their first in-house producer.

The rest of the world was told Gronk died in a car crash, which actually did happen, to an extent. They found his DNA on a charred body, which was naturally a plant. Tom had to thank the NFL and their deep pockets for orchestrating such an elaborate, but ultimately successful, scheme.

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