Penn State: The Real Story

Welcome to Tumblr News. This is your correspondent, Cindy Furie. Today’s main story talks about Pennsylvania State, a college that has some dark secrets hidden underneath its core. Our investigation started when this picture was posted to social media.

Penn College, a sister school of Penn State, appeared to have been objectifying its male athletes. Wrestling uniforms usually skirt the boundaries, but the enhanced sweatiness of this male and his blatant crotch grab has caused many people to wonder just is going here. The man in question, Bradley Peterson, answered some questions we had about his college.

“So, Bradley, what year are in, and what’s your major?”

“I’m a senior and I’m majoring in athletic studies.”

“And what jobs does that major lead to?”

“I’m not supposed to be telling you this, since my NDA hasn’t been lifted yet, but it’s just a ploy for Penn State and its other colleges to get athletically-gifted people to go there and win more championships, so the smart kids can get more money from booster donations and such.”

That wasn’t the only shocking detail we uncovered.

“So, what does a normal day consist of for you, then?”

“Practice and that shit all day. All athletic studies majors are required to be two sport athletes, so even on my off days, I’m probably practicing my form for baseball.”

“Let’s talk about that NDA you mentioned. Can you tell us what was on it?”

“I signed it freshman year, so I don’t remember much, but it said we couldn’t talk to anybody outside of Penn State and its sister schools about this.”

“I see. And are the rumors true that male athletes are seen as sex pawns on campus?”

“Yeah. In the viral gif of me, Coach poured a lot of water over me to make me look more sweaty than I actually was. My singlet was a size too small, and I think he also put itching powder in the crotch area.”

We talked to our legal team after these allegations. Technically, nothing illegal was done here, and we are working on exposing the college as a whole.

“Were you forced to have sex then?”

“Yeah. Most nights, us athletes had a guest in our room, waiting to have sex with us. Sometimes it was men, other times it was women. They sometimes watched our practices, too, when we had to practice naked or as nude as possible.”

“And you are on the baseball team, right?”

“Yes.”

“So, does this happen when you’re traveling across the country for games?”

“It does. When we travel, we have a small contingent of fans who aren’t actually students. They’re the people who have sex with us. That’s a lot more discrete than usual, and most times, I only know what genitalia they have.”

Bradley later explained most encounters took place in a pitch black hotel room, or he was actually blindfolded.

“Is there any steroid use on any campus?”

“Not that I know of, thankfully. Most of the sexualized sports are ‘cut’ sports, unlike running, where there is a set team. Coaches don’t really care about talent about halfway though; they switch over to looks. Our diet and exercise routines help us to maintain this body.”

The FBI has launched an investigation into Penn State and its sister schools. If you have any information about Penn State that could be useful to the FBI, please contact them at their tip line. This has been Cindy Furie, for Tumblr News.

(Note: Use this photo as header for sites that don’t allow gifs. -CF)
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